You don't know me. Most of the world doesn't. But i have always been there - seeing, listening, feeling, absorbing, archiving, reacting…..
And its time i spoke. All those things bottled up have only harmed me,physically and mentally.
Its not a nice place to be in. The mind of a person. And its worse when you are helpless in situations when you what i the right thing to do, but you just don't do it.
Like, when someone else started telling me this is primary for you, that isn't, i should have told him, boss i decide what's primary in my life. i did not. At that time. At a later stage, yes, but after much irritation and yes, another provocation.
When every breath i take if likely to be controlled – by coercion or otherwise, i should stand up and say, its my life and I'll do what damn feel like doing, be it roaming late night on the streets, talking on phone, buying what i feel like, working day night, or sleeping day night, going out with someone particular, eating what i want to – ITS MY FREAKING CHOICE!!!!!!!
i don't. i just keep quite. No more. Slowly, but surely, i putting up a fight here.
I expect things. When i give, i expect something back. Something like value for money.Ok, i may not be giving what one wants, and i do not expect that back. But within the limits of what i have been doing, is it not fair on my part to expect decency? Responsible behavior? An understanding that one cannot fight this war alone? Support? And why am i being subtle with this? And is the world so self centered, it cannot grasp the hints i have been dropping all along??? Why should i suffer in silence, be angry at myself, be guilt ridden???? And why cannot i let go?? I should do that.
But i don't. I just let the minute pass, calm down, move on.
Saw “Karthik calling Karthik” yesterday. This post is an outcome of me wondering what the other Rachit must be thinking. Not much, guess. Nor am i two people in one, fortunately or otherwise.